Insufficient

I listen to the Country station every so often in the car. It's about the only radio music that gets me emotional, especially when discussing family issues. There's a new song out that goes like this:

Daddy hugs his little man
says son I’ve got to go
and he pulls out of the drive and disappears
as they walk back in the house
the young boy asks his mama
where does daddy go when he leaves here

mama tells her little man
your daddy’s got a job
and when he goes to work they pay him for his time
well the young boy gets to thinking
and he heads up to his bedroom
and comes running back with a quarter and four dimes

(chorus:)
and says mama how much time will this buy me
is it enough to take me fishing or throw a football in the street
if I’m a little short then how much more does daddy need
to spend some time with me

the young boy tells his mama
now I know daddy’s busy
cause most times when he gets home it’s dark outside
but tell him I’ve got me some pennies
saved up from the tooth fairy
and I keep ‘em in my piggy bank and I believe there’s thirty-five

(chorus:)
and mama how much time will that buy me
is it enough to take me camping in a tent down by the creek
if I’m a little short then how much more does daddy need
to spend some time with me

mama how much time will this buy me
is it enough for just an afternoon a day or a whole week
if I’m a little short then how much more does daddy need
to spend some time with me

mama takes her little man
sets him on her lap
and starts dialing up some numbers on the phone
she says daddy come home early
you don’t have to chase that dollar
cause your little man has got one here at home

-The Dollar by Jamey Johnson (Lyrics found at CowboyLyrics.com)

I see my kids every day, and usually spend at least three hours with them each day. So, I'm not as bad as that song. Still, I don't think I'm a very good father. I don't think my children hate or even dislike me. But I'm pretty sure I don't make their top five list of heroes (you've gotta leave some wiggle room to account for Superman or the Power Rangers).

My youngest son is on his way to being kicked out of a fourth day care for lashing out, and this is only his second week there. He is on his third attempt of finding a psychological medicine that will help him - until this week we thought the Risperdal was working where the Ritalin and Adderall failed. We're experimenting on our son with chemicals we don't really want him to have in the first place.

What are you supposed to do when you've tried all the options, then crossed the line you said you wouldn't cross, and still you fail?

There's more I typed here, deleted, then typed another way, then deleted again. I don't know how to write what I want to write, but I needed to type something now before I break down at my desk.

All I know is that I feel like I've been judged and found wanting.

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Link of the moment: This video makes me feel a little sad - not because it's a sad song, but it makes me wish my kids saw me that way.

But then I smile, because Optimus Prime makes everything better.